Friendship, Loyalty and Love

One of the happiest days of my life was the night Frank Harrington gave me that Claddagh ring that had belonged to his grandmother and later, his mother. It was beautiful - silver with a pink stone shaped like a heart in the middle. He said I was the best friend he'd ever had, and the best woman he'd ever known...well, besides his mother. Despite the fact that he gave me the choice of how to wear it, I happily chose to wear the pink stone pointing toward my heart. I wanted that relationship with him, and I felt I was ready. Yes, it was the night of Trevor and Stephanie's wedding, and I was a bit heartbroken over losing Trevor, I truly believed it was time to move in another direction. Frank had been so patient with me, and had waited for me. I proudly let him put that ring on my finger that night.

One of the saddest days of my life was the night I pulled that Claddagh ring off for the last time and placed it in a drawer inside a box of mementos. I had just called him because I had something very important to tell him, but another woman answered the phone. I felt like it was time to take the ring off for good. Sometimes I wish he'd never gotten that job in New York. I often feel that's where everything turned sour for us, but he truly is an excellent photographer and, as I always said, a consummate professional. I hated to remove it, but life had changed so much for us since the moment he first placed it on my finger.

So today is St. Patrick's Day, and with Frank's Irish heritage and the stunning Claddagh ring I happily wore for a short time, it's difficult not to think of where we might be now if we were still together. The Claddagh ring has hands, a crown, and a heart which stand for friendship, loyalty and love. I had all those things with Frank, but I know all that's' over now. It was a beautiful time in my life, but I know that ring doesn't belong to me anymore. It's supposed to rain later today, which I suppose is fitting somehow. I mourn what was and what could have been, and perhaps I'll shed a tear or two. Still, wherever he is, whatever he's doing, and whoever he's with, I hope he enjoys the day which celebrates his Irish heritage.

The Softest Rain

I still reflect back on that day, waking up in Trevor’s arms, telling him goodbye, then looking out the window to see the softest rain I’d ever seen begin to fall. Those drops of water which silently fell on the ground...oh how I remember them. I wondered for a moment if maybe I was the only person who couldn’t hear it, but the rain was simply that soft. It was like watching a movie with no sound. And as I watched the rain, I began to cry. It was already a sad day since I was on my way to Lily’s funeral, but I had complicated my own life even further by welcoming Trevor into it at such an incredibly difficult time.

Looking back, I occasionally imagine what my life would be like now if I hadn’t gone to the funeral home until the day of Lily’s funeral instead of attending her wake the night before, or if Trevor and I hadn’t had a chance to talk that night. It’s one of those times where a combination of events all fall into place in a special way and something you never imagined suddenly changes your life entirely. What if I’d never had to live that pain of watching him leave the hotel room that morning? What if I’d never had to hear the sound of that hotel door clicking behind me as he left? What if I’d never had to share my tears for losing Lily with the feeling of emptiness I had from telling him goodbye? It’s only after I remember the tears and the pain however, that I remember what allowing him into my life gave to me. It gave me incredible love and pleasure, and some of the most memorable moments I’ve ever experienced. Anyhow, who ever knew the pleasure of love without also knowing pain?

As complicated as I felt my life was that rainy morning, I know it’s even more complicated now. My mind is cluttered with thoughts of how to cope with what I’m going through, but somehow it’s easier to just reflect for a while. Lily’s death was traumatic, and still is some days, and life without her still seems awkward and strange. I’ll always believe that Lily knew somehow…about all of it. About how he chased me out into the parking lot as I left her wake, how we were together that night, how he ended up sitting next to me at her funeral the next morning, and every other moment he and I have shared since then. I tried to watch out for her when she was alive, and now I know she watches over me…like a guardian angel.

So I choose to reflect on the softest rain, on the memory of events which I never imagined would transpire and on the richness in my life now because they did.